I couldn’t fall asleep last night. We’re working on transitioning Anna to her crib and I lay there thinking just how far away a few yards felt. It may as well have been an ocean between us. I couldn’t reach over and feel the rise and fall of her chest and know she was okay, or watch her eyes flutter their way through dreams or fall asleep with my hand on her.

Is it possible to be nostalgic already after only a few months? Maybe it’s because we’ve been having such a painfully frustrating time getting her down to sleep lately, but I’ve been thinking more and more about how she was when she first arrived. Or maybe it’s because these babies arrive and you don’t really get a chance to process and realize what’s happened until things calm down a few months later. Either way, as I lay there awake last night, I just kept thinking about how much she’s changed in such a short time. I was wishing I could go back to when we first brought her home and not worry that she was sleeping too much. And not worry that the laundry wasn’t getting done. I now know I have the rest of my life to worry about laundry and vacuuming and dishes… and somehow finding the time to paint.

I remember how we used to have to strip her down and change her diaper just to wake her up and then feed her in just her diaper so she’d stay awake long enough to eat. And when she’d finish, she’d curl up against my chest, skin-to-skin and fall asleep. If I tried to get her to do that now, she’d most likely thrash around or else laugh at me.

I wonder if parenting is just like this and I need to accept the fact that I will continually be in a state of mourning for the stages she’s surpassing in the blink of an eye, while at the same time be overjoyed for the new things she accomplishes every day.

She’s only been here four months, yet somehow I think she’s always been here. Maybe today I will try not to get so frustrated when she wakes up screaming after napping for just 30 minutes. Maybe I will say I love you one more time. Maybe I will let her fall asleep on me and not try in vain to put her down so I can get one more thing done. We all know it’s just going to need re-done tomorrow anyway.